The wonder
by Yvy
Summary: Set after The World Turns All Around Her. Beka realises something is up and does some thinking about current situations.


Set after The World Turns All Around Her. Beka realises something is up and does some thinking about current situations. Oh yeah and I don't own any of these people, or the ship or much really.

* * *

Beka had loved him, she was sure of that, but if there was one thing her daddy had taught her it was that a Valentine was always, always strong. If someone leaves that you love, then:

"Screw 'em, Becky, you're better than that."

You don't let them hurt you. But she had a new rule too, don't go back to the one for hope they have changed, hoping they won't just be using you, or wish to sacrifice you for something terrible. She just wanted to be let go from this. To kick herself hard for believing Tyr wanted her for her. Instead he had left, and then come back just to betray her all over again. Her heart should be breaking, she should feel something, but instead there was an itching in her head, a dark abyss growing and it was not going to let her go. It was not going to let her mourn over this one.

She remembered when her mother had left, the wonderful, beautiful Thalia, who had loved Beka with all heart. Until money and power had been a greater need than love, more important than her daughter, even more important than all the stars in the sky. Everything seemed to bo more important than Beka.

_"Daddy?"_

_"Yeah rocket?"_

_Seven-year-old__ Beka pouted at that, rocket was a silly name. _

_"Where is mommy?"_

_"She is... She's gone, that bitch decided she doesn't love us anymore."_

_Beka stood there, telling herself she would not cry. _

She was on the edge, remembering all the stuff in her life, stuff she didn't need, for example she didn't need Tyr. Tyr epitomised everything about her life that was wrong, falling for the wrong person who would never fall back. Not for her at least. It was never her. Only his intense, insatiable hunger for power and how he would use everything he already had to make sure he was on top of everything. Until Dylan had shot him in the back. It should all be over now, shouldn't it?

But it went deeper. Beka's thoughts returned to her mother, the mother she had not seen in years, Beka felt she had missed out on so much. She had no one to talk growing up, no one she could confide in, daddy was always too drunk and Rafe had never been much for "chatting" with his little sister. Valentine's didn't chat, they sucked it up and ignored the problems, dad's drinking and subsequent flash habit, Rafe's extraordinary ability of scamming everyone he met out of something and little old Beka, growing up by trying every trick in the book to get someone to notice her. She had done some things she regretted deeply now, just to get dear old daddy's attention. To get anyone's attention.

Tyr's attention had been like oxygen, to feel wanted, even if it was just for a few seconds in a lifetime. She felt cold; she felt lost and wanted to be flung back into the safety of Dylan's crew.

_"This place has never looked so good."_

_"You've never looked so good in it."_

She wanted to be back in the light.

Instead, there was a screaming in her head loud, clear and full of pain. Floating memories swam around her brain, Beka trying to analyse where in her life she had made another bad decision? Or the abyss trying to locate memories of hers so that Harper or Rommie or Trance would not suspect that she wasn't _exactly _herself at the moment?

She had finally been happy where she was, trusted those around her- to a degree- never was she fully unguarded- it made things too messy otherwise, but then he had decided to rip her heart apart again, fling her into hell for the sake of his miraculous empire. She was glad Tyr was dead, but no, it was not over there. Why, she asked herself. The abyss or her shredded conscience answered flatly: because the universe is a bitch, Becky.

Now everything was wrong, Beka wanted to scream, to shout, she wanted someone- anyone to notice that she was not herself, that she was fading away into the abyss.

She could feel it happening, the darkness filling her veins, coursing through her and she could do nothing.

* * *

so? 


End file.
